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Tuesday, 06 January 2009

i am torn between two people

i don't feel like explaining the rest of hell week, because it is much too long and a lot happened last week too. my life changes quite rapidly these days. it keeps me on my toes, and sometimes feels like everything is happening much too fast.

but anyway. the first week on winter break (two weeks ago) were really awful and N (the boyfriend) and i fought constantly. but some good came out of it! the cause of a few of our problems were his drinking, which had gotten way too frequent and out-of-hand all week long, so he is making an effort to drink much less and smoke more weed instead. yaaay. and he is keeping his word too, i haven't seen him drunk since before christmas. because of that, we quickly went back to our lovey sickeningly cute selves. but then i got a fucking tonsil infection, and i didn't know what it was until four days later. while this was happening, my parents went out of town for a few days and N and I were going to fuck each other stupid for days on end, but i was really, really sick. he was very sweet, though, N stayed with me the whole time, getting me anything i wanted from the store and we cuddled lots and watched movies and cartoons and sex and the city. and we still had sex, but it wasn't very fun because i was so ill and had no energy. by new years i was still stick. it was so pathetic, N and i fell asleep at 8:30 pm and woke up at exactly 12:02. booooo! we began the new year with a frustrated kiss "it's midnight somewhere, goddamnit!"

SOOOO fastforward to saturday (two days ago). my friend jessica has spent the night on friday, and was going to stay over again since we re-realized we love each other and we're pretty much best friends. we went thrifting in the north end and then downtown so she could pick up some stuff from her apartment and i decided to grab some coffee and get some stuff at this japanese imports store. she meets me downtown and instead of getting on the bus we hang out in a nearby toystore for a bit. when we walk outside again we start talking and i tell her about a postcard i got from a boy, let's call him K. I met K a few months before i met N. part of the reason i was so forward in approaching N, my current boyfriend, is because i was trying to forget about K. after many odd strings of coincidenes, i met K. i fell in love with him at first sight. i know it sounds crazy and stupid, but i don't care, it's true, it is the truest thing i know. K is unlike anyone else. he talks softly and hitch hikes across the country for fun and performs on street corners and talks to everyone he sees and for some reason, i think he likes me special. even though i've only hung out with him once, and he left shortly after to be a crazy street kid adventurer, he sent me postcards and emails.

so i'm at the bus stop with jessica and i mention to her that i recently got a postcard from K, and the return adress was just from a neighboring town to Seattle. i tell her i wanted to write a reply that night. exactly a second later, i look a few feet away and there K is, looking at the bus times. without the slightest hesitation, not even telling jessica (who has never met K) what i had just seen, i immediately walk over and say hi. he looks at me and for a second we just stare at each other without saying anything, both very suprised. he says something about how he sent me an email and i assume he's referring to one from a couple weeks ago. the moment i am face to face with him i feel a sensation rise from my chest to my face, like a splash of water that's hot and cold at the same time. we get to talking and i introduce jessica to him, and even jessica looks surprised and a little freaked out since i had JUST said something about him. we get to talking and end up getting on the same bus. K was heading to his cousin's house. he asks if i work with film and i say yes, i take pictures. he asks if i want to collaborate on something and i say sure. he says he wants to hang out the next say, go hear some singers at a church, and that he'll call me. jessica and i go to my house and the mood of the night suddenly gets funny. jessica, who has met my boyfriend and likes him says to me "you have to be with him. he's a magical person. i got good vibes from him in every direction." i feel sick.
later that night, at around 11, i get a call from my friend paul who wanted to go to this greasy diner that has a jukebox that plays all my favorite songs. jessica and i get there and have a very late dinner or a very early breakfast with paul, christian, and max. i ordered a strawberry milkshake. we drank lots of coffee and drew pictures and sang and i showed everyone the puss balls of my tonsil infection. then the song from the twist contest in pulp fiction comes on and jessica, paul and i all get up and do the twist around all the tables. by the time we get to paul's house it's 2:30am and we drink beer and dance more. i checked my email for the first time in days and there's one from K, sent only hours before i ran into him at the bus stop. it's in spanish, which i don't read, but jessica and paul do. it contains the sentences "where are you? i will seek you." TRIPPY WHAT THE HELL MAN HOW DID THAT HAPPEN.

K does end up calling me the next night, as i am in the middle of making out with my boyfriend. we decide against going to the church that night because it is snowing, but he wants to see me on wednesday.

i don't feel too guilty as things are right now, because K and i are only hanging out as friends (i think), and even if he does make a move on me (and i don't think he will) i'm not the kind of person who would be okay with that, even though i think i like him more than N. at the very least, i just want to be K's friend. i just want to see him and know him a little better. i know nothing can come of it. he's five years older and goes to school in ohio and may very well be mentally deranged. but i love him. i love him to the tips of my toes.

Friday, 26 December 2008

holiday bullshit + boy drama= my life (part 1)

i like to talk frankly about my life anonymously on the internet. just your average fucked up teen queen dream. :)
aaaddddd me! say hi. whatever.

so it's been snowy and freezing in seattle, which normally i would enjoy because typically during this time of year all we get is rain. HOWEVER. seattle is pretty much retarded when it comes to public transportation, the mode of getting around which i rely on. so it takes hours of waiting in the cold to get anywhere, basically.
before explaining the drama that ensued over the last seven days, i should probably tell you a little about my boyfriend. lets call him N. i met N at a rally against california's prop. 8 about two months ago where i saw this insanely cute boy walking around alone, strumming a ukelele. i was just about ready to leave, pretty worn out from crashing at my rich friend's the night before where we stayed up drinking coffee, chain-smoking, kicking it in the hot tub and typing bad poetry on retro typewriters and the getting up the next morning to make daisy chains in the park and then joing the big gay march heading to downtown seattle. the day was filled with lots of dancing and friends and giving flowers to cops a jesus freaks. i looked totally silly wearing yesterday's clothes with temporary hippie tattoos all over my face and a daisy chain on my head. it was too fun. SO ANYWAY. i see this boy, and normally i'm kind of shy, but i get this really strong urge to talk to him. i'm sitting with two friends and i ask them if i should walk over and give him my daisy chain. i thought it would be silly though, since i was essentially at a gay pride event so i was probably barking up the wrong tree. they tell me to do it anyway, so i walk over to him, say "you're adorable", set the flowers on his head and start walking to the bus stop. he runs after me and asks if i want to go to a park and smoke a bowl. we end up spending like, 8 hours together that day, sitting on the beach where we drank wine and he played me music. we've been hanging out pretty much every day since then.
so here's N's story. he's a punk rock trailer park boy who has had the toughest life of anyone i know. he is 20 and about 4 months into recovery for a 4 year heroine addiction. he is beautiful and smart and creative and sweet, but has severe substance abuse issues, a sort of manic personality, and lack of ambition. he inspires me to be more extroverted and open-minded about people and i think i inspire him to start taking better care of himself and get shit accomplished. the last couple of months we've been dating have been so lovely and dream-like. he immediately introduced me to all of his friends and has been bringing me on all his crazy punk rock adventures. any i never saw a side of him i didn't like until last week.
it all started last thruday. it was the first day it has snowed a lot, and xmas was just around the corner so we thought it would be cool to make a gingerbread house and candy art. we were at the grocery store, trying to pick out candy, when the subject of heroine came up. somehow i ended up saying "i love you, but if i find out you're using again i would have to leave you.", which i think is completely fair and a boundry that i need for my physical and emotional safety. he suddenly looked sad. he said "what if i told you i messed up a week ago." it was the first time he had used since starting treatment, and he said it was a mistake and didn't even feel good and reminded him of why he quit in the first place. it freaked me out anyway, and i cried. and then he cried. then we took the best downtown and felt a little bit better. then we went into another drug store to get candy and everything got weird. he was drinking a beer, openly in the store, by this time good and drunk, and starting to get friendly. he kept saying he would never shoot up again, promising, telling me that he loves me and he would do anything for me. at one point he yelled "I LOVE THIS GIRL!" at an unhip middle aged white couple an aisle away. they smiled and looked a little scared. then he added "AND I'LL NEVER DO HEROINE AGAIN!" and they seemed rather surprised and then looked away. as he were standing in line was was being drunk and stupid and embarassing me more, and i asked him to wait outside. as he was walking out to have a cig, i head him laughing hysterically outside. i buy the candy, walk out, and he tells me he almost started a fight with a perfect stranger. we walk to the bus that takes us to the trailer park. i cry more. he gets upset. we get on the bus and he falls asleep. we discover we're on the wrong bus and get out and wait for the real bus in the snow. i cry more. he gets really agry, locks himself in a tiny outdoor bathroom and screams and hits walls. we go to his house. he drinks more and is still angry and i'm still sad. N's friend, J comes over and N puts on a happy face. we smoke a little weed, something small happens that sets N off and he has a panic attack. while he yells at his mother J and i step outside for a cigarette. J tells me that N has always been like that ever since he knew him. I tell J I had never seen N act that way as long as i've known him, that he's never that way around me. J looks suprised to hear this. we go back inside and by now N is doubled over the toilet, and he thinks he can't breathe. it takes about ten minutes for him to calm down a little. me and N and J smoke more weed in the bathroom and J talks about other things and makes N laugh and cheers him up. After a while J had to head home. I stay up most of the night cuddling with N and trying to calm him down.
it only gets worse. we sleep through the alarm he set for the morning, a very, very important alarm. you see, the treatment for heroine N is in requires him to wake up early every morning to go to a special clinic where he gets some very strong special medicine that is basically heroine that doesn't kill you or make you feel high. if he doesn't get it, about 12 hours later he starts to feel withdrawl symptoms, and by the next morning after having missed a day, he is already vomitting. we don't know what happens after he misses more than one day. we don't plan on finding out. i ask him what day it is and he says saturday. that is very, very bad. N's special clinic gives it's patients 2 doses on saturdays because it is not open on sunday. N rushes out the door after five minutes and gets to the bus stop on time, but it never comes because of the snow. when i see him again he is very, very scared. he heard a rumor that if you don't make it to the clinic, some emergency rooms in seattle will dose you. i tell him i'll go with him. we went downtown and went to two different hospitals to find out if they do emergency doses. virginia mason said no straight off, so we went to another one. we waited around and asked them if they could dose him, but no one told him anything and just gave him forms to fill out. while waiting to be seen by a doctor, we called the special clinic to ask if any hospitals would dose him, and they said no. he starts freaking out. after two hours of waiting, and watching people who got there after us be seen first because people don't like to think of addicts as humans, we are seen by a doctor who says all he can do is give N anti-nausea pills. that doesn't do shit for withdrawl pains. we cry more and leave. he gets billed for nothing. even though he asked over and over if they could dose him, and they never answer, they expect him to pay around 1000 dollars anyway. FUCK HEALTH CARE IN AMERICA. we sit in a McDonalds where i eat and he is too upset to. eventually he calls his mother and asks her for money. she mentions that it's friday. he can't believe it. we cry with joy and feel sublimely retarded. we still have a long night ahead of us. (will continue)